At BEA, One Man's Humble Quest to Know the Show
by A.J. Jacobs, PW Daily for Booksellers -- Publishers Weekly, 6/11/2004
Recently I read the entire Encyclopaedia Britannica from A to Z in order to write a book called The Know-it-all: One Man's Humble Quest to Become the Smartest Person in the World. So I figured I knew everything about the printed word. But PW Daily thought they'd send me to BEA to see if there were one or two facts I could still learn. And I did learn a disturbing amount. Here, the second installment of my three-part report--a concise encyclopedia of BEA. Yesterday I covered Adoration to Giveaways. Today, it's Hatchet Jobs to Omnipresence.
Hatchet Jobs: At least one panel could have used a copy of Life without Anger by Dean Van Leuven (Booth 3827). The topic was Bibliocide, a discussion of negative reviews. It got ugly fast. Famously venomous book reviewer Dale Peck endured a lengthy attack from Philadelphia Inquirer critic Carlin Romano.
Romano said he "hated" Peck's book Hatchet Jobs. He called Peck "disingenuous" and his work "garbage" and filled with "schoolyard name-calling." Peck defended himself, pointing out, for instance, that Terry McMillan is a "very, very, very bad writer." (In case Mr. Peck is reading this and considering reviewing my book, let me say: I think you are the best writer of your generation. And very, very, very brilliant.).
Hotels: If you hear the housekeeping staffs at Chicago hotels arguing the merits of Phillip Roth and Russell Banks in the next few weeks, don't be surprised. With all those abandoned galleys, they have to be the most well-read hotel employees in America.
ISBN: I learned that the ISBN's are increasing from 10 digits to 13 digits. There are just that many books. Speaking of ISBNs, here's a great one for old time's sake: 0743250605. (Comes out in October!)
Licentiousness: Humphrey Bogart loved orgies. This, courtesy of the publisher of The Secret Life of Humphrey Bogart, who has nicknamed the star Humpy. The Britannica had taught me that Bogart originated the phrase "tennis anyone?" But you have to go to the BEA for the good stuff.
Limelight: If your book isn't written by a reality show contestant or an ex-president, all is not lost. There are still ways to get attention for it. Here, a couple of the best:
- Wear a costume. I saw a Viking, a Union solider, a racecar driver, Barbie, a couple of indeterminate barnyard animals, and Santa. When Santa's wearing a badge that says "John Hiddleston," it's tough to suspend your disbelief.
- Stage a demonstration. A book called Wild Animus had two alleged protesters--men with high-water pants and picket signs who were supposedly upset about the book's pagan themes. On the pro-book side was a naked-to-the-waist man wearing ram horns. He had glued fake hair to his back. At least I hope he'd glued fake hair to his back.
- Use child labor. The Guinness Book of World Records had two sweating kids trying to break the cup-stacking record. A record I didn't know existed.
- Bribe with sugar. Publishers gave away enough candy to cause a run on Diabetes for Dummies.
- Get an editor whom all 25,000 attendees seem to know. When I walked the floor with Rob Weisbach, it took about one hour for us to move three feet.
Liquor: I know from my encyclopedia that Gutenberg's invention was inspired by a wine-making press. So there you have it: publishing would not exist without booze. And BEA valiantly upheld tradition. I learned a secret hangover prevention from a source who wishes to remain anonymous: take Excedrin before going to sleep. Something about the caffeine protects you, no matter how many Singapore Slings you put down with Morgan Entrekin.
Mascot: I hunted down the poor sap dressed as the bespectacled mascot from the Dummies series. I was itching for a debate. I guessed he'd either be really dumb, or really smart from reading all the Dummies books--including my favorite, Origins of Tolkien's Middle-earth for Dummies. Unfortunately, I couldn't spark a conflict. I tried to impress him with my knowledge (e.g. opossums have 13 nipples), but that didn't even raise a cloth eyebrow.
Moscow: A travel tip from Martin Cruz Smith's Wolves Eat Dogs, a new Russian thriller, as discussed in the Buzz Panel: If you go to a Moscow restaurant, do not order game. Do not order turkey or boar. It was probably shot in Chernobyl.
NPR: Fresh Air's Terry Gross did a fine job hosting the breakfast panel of David Sedaris, Alexandra Fuller and Alexander McCall Smith (who wore a kilt, sort of a highbrow version of the costume gimmick). "If you ever wondered what I looked like," said Gross. "Now you know I'm shorter than the average podium." Gross also played a clip of her NPR spat with Bill O'Reilly, pointing out "Even when telling me off, he found a way to work in the title of his book." That Bill O'Reilly is such a Know-It-All.
Omnipresence: Bush is everywhere. And I mean everywhere. You can't go to the bathroom without seeing those beady presidential eyes. The urinals had signs for 50 Ways You Can Show George the Door. There were Bush coloring books, Anyone but Bush 2004 pins, a spider hole's worth of Bush books by everyone from Graydon Carter to Maureen Dowd. (Dowd wins the phrase-of-the-weekend contest with her "father-son Oedipal loop-de-loop that has rocked the world").
If there was one genre that rivaled Bush-related books, it was probably flatulence-related books. I had no idea this was such an important publishing niche. You had Walter the Farting Dog (with his own doll, which sounded more like a Buick with muffler trouble). And Little Lord Farting Boy. And the Art of the Fart. And Artemis Fowl author Eoin Colfer, who said at the Book Sense lunch that his book was about "a farting dwarf, so I'm just happy to be on any list." The rumor is that Peter Mayle is writing a book about farting in the South of France. Though I may not have heard that right.
Editor's Note: When he's not walking the halls of BEA, Jacobs is the senior editor of Esquire. His book, The Know-It-All: One Man's Humble Quest to Become the Smartest Person in the World, will by published by Simon & Schuster in October. Tomorrow in PW Daily, Jacobs name-drops his way to Z. Find out why Marilu Henner was really at the show, how Anthony Bourdain keeps his figure, what Bill the Apprentice is reading, and which vacuum cleaner the literary set prefers.
