The Know-It-All Humbled by BEA Quest

by A.J. Jacobs, PW Daily for Booksellers -- Publishers Weekly, 6/14/2004

Recently I read the entire Encyclopaedia Britannica from A to Z in order to write a book called The Know-It-All: One Man's Humble Quest to Become the Smartest Person in the World. So I figured I knew everything about the printed word. But PW Daily sent me to BEA to see if there were one or two facts I could still learn. And I did learn a disturbing amount. Here, the final installment of my three-part report--a concise encyclopedia of BEA. During the past two days, I covered Adoration to Omnipresence. Today, it's all the way to Zoology.

Persecution: At the bash for Augusten Burroughs, another party-goer sneeringly pointed out to me that I was the only one wearing my name tag. Man, tough crowd. I wish I had read Blue Cheese Breath and Stinky Feet: How to Deal with Bullies by Catherine DePino (American Psychological Association).

Platinum: I felt a little guilty about being a Platinum exhibitor. Such a rigid class system here at BEA. Platinum exhibitor, gold exhibitor. They don't say that those in the remainders section are the Zinc exhibitors. But we all know.

Politics: I had high hopes for the political lunch hosted by C-SPAN's Brian Lamb, seeing as last year it was the scene of the Al Franken-Bill O'Reilly smackdown. But if last year's was a WWF cagematch, this year's was barely a badminton game. Very civil. No spittle emitted whatsoever. Linda Chavez said that maybe she and Maureen Dowd could do some hair pulling. But sadly, nothing came of it. No pundit-on-pundit action for this crowd.

Punctuation: You have to feel bad for sign makers in this post-Eats, Shoots & Leaves era. Like booth 2014 with its missing closing parenthesis. It read "If (that company called." Let's all be very thankful Lynne Truss was not at the BEA.

Recognition: I went to the Buzz Panel. It seems every fiction writer is a new John Irving. "He's the John Irving of post-apocalyptic Canadian novels." Or whatever. When S&S's David Rosenthal talked about my book, I actually got applauded. The last time that happened was when I dropped my tray in the cafeteria.

Roller Coaster: I met a bookseller who told me Jamie Lee Curtis was talking about my book. Yes! I've arrived. But then the bookseller took it back. It wasn't my book. Damn. Such is the roller coaster of emotion that is BookExpo America.

Sex Sells: The young blonde women handing out the Publishers Weekly Exhibitors Guides had tied their T-shirts up to reveal their midriffs. Spicy stuff! But as someone told me, what happens at BEA, stays at BEA.

Stacks: Pity the publisher who presents an uninspired pile of galleys. The truly passionate publisher arranges the stack of galleys like a miniature piece of architecture. I saw pyramids, spiral staircases, donuts, and best of all, a stack resembling the Capital Records Building in Los Angeles. Herbert Muschamp would be proud.

Stars: When I saw Taxi star Marilu Henner wandering the floor with a tray of French fries, I felt my PW boss would want me to interview her. I was happy to learn she was there because she's engaged to an exhibitor. Namely Mike Brown of Browntrout Publishers, a company that makes calendars of, among other things, Welsh Corgis (booth 2916). Who said publishing can't be glamorous?

I also interviewed Bill from the Apprentice whose book, You're Hired, will prove "nice guys and girls can be successful." I learned he's reading The Five People You Meet in Heaven and (surprise!) The Fountainhead.

Taxi Line: I was happy to see that even famous fancy authors like Anthony Bourdain had to stand in the taxi line. And what a taxi line. It was long. Not as long as Bill Clinton's book, but long just the same.

By the way, the taxi dispatcher asked Bourdain "How do you eat so much and stay so thin?" Bourdain responded that he smokes two and a half packs a day. A nice alternative to the South Beach diet.

Vacuum: At first it seemed odd to me that the Oreck Vacuum cleaner company had a booth. But I learned it wasn't such a bad idea. The Oreck man told me he had sold several vacuums--some to authors. So if you notice that Gish Jen's rugs look particularly clean lately, you'll know why.

Zoology: Among the new trivia I picked up from booksellers: A castrated sheep is called a wether. I also found out a claviola is an accordion that you can blow into and that the worst debutante ball in history occurred when thousands of imported butterflies died during the party. I learned that L. Ron Hubbard, at age 13, was the youngest Eagle Scout ever (he's also, of course, the Joyce Carol Oates of deceased authors, churning out yet another new novel for the fall). So in fact, I do have a lot to learn. Note to self: Change title of book.

Editor's Note: When he's not walking the halls of BEA, Jacobs is the senior editor of Esquire. His book, The Know-It-All: One Man's Humble Quest to Become the Smartest Person in the World, will be published by Simon & Schuster in October.