Behind the April Fools
-- Publishers Weekly, 3/29/2006
Zondervan Expands Purpose-Driven Marketing Campaign to Distant Planets
By Jana Riess
Based on the runaway popularity of Rick Warren's bestseller The Purpose-Driven Life, which has sold more than 24 million copies just in the English language, Zondervan is turning its sights to the final frontier: space. Special editions of the book will release on Mars, Venus, and Mercury next year, the Michigan-based Christian publishing house reported this week, with more distant planets to follow later if initial sales efforts prove successful.
"Really, space is the great untapped market," said James T. Kirkstra, Zondervan's new manager for extraterrestrial sales. "We think that this book is the perfect product to help aliens understand the reason for their existence. And this market is completely fresh. I mean, Jupiter is simply huge, and no other Christian publishers have set up shop there yet. We are proud to be pioneers in this exciting venture."
As part of the promotional efforts, each planetary edition will have a slightly different subtitle that will mark it as unique for that particular world. For example, whereas the current edition bears the subtitle, "What on Earth Am I Here For?", future volumes will be "What on Mars Am I Here For?" and "What on Venus Am I Here For?" Other revisions and value-added content may also occur on a planet-by-planet basis, Kirkstra said.
This is not the first time that Zondervan has attempted an aggressive outreach into previously untapped markets. However, earlier efforts to get a copy of The Purpose-Driven Pet into the paws of every animal on Earth did not meet with unqualified success, since distribution proved to be a nightmare. "Let's face it, animals just weren't coming in from the wild to shop in CBA stores," said a company insider, who preferred to remain anonymous. "The best we could really hope for was that middle-aged women, our core consumers, were bringing the book home for their cats to read." Animal outreach efforts are on hiatus at the moment as the company pursues the intergalactic trade.
Kirkstra does not expect distribution to be such a barrier with the Martian publishing world, which will be the first to receive shipments of PDL. Zondervan has struck a deal with cash-strapped NASA, using capital from the lucrative Christian publishing business to fund further space exploration if NASA will subcontract for the routing and shipping of product. Financial details of the arrangement were not disclosed, but are rumored to be in the nine-figure range.
"The real challenge will be getting the books to the unchurched alien, since there won't be churches on these planets to do a '40 Days of Purpose' campaign," said Kirkstra. "But that is a small hiccup. Really, there's no reason for us not to reach for the stars."
Dalai Lama Not Penning Enough Forewords, Study Shows
By Jana Riess
An alarming new study out of Naropa University has proven what many have long feared: the Dalai Lama is writing fewer forewords for Buddhist books. "It used to be that the Dalai Lama could be counted on to write the foreword for every single Buddhist title being published," said Dharma Gregg, editorial director at Bodhi Tree Books. "Now we're lucky if he writes two a month. It's terrible. He's profoundly underexposed."
In a related problem, the study also showed that the talks, sermons and essays by His Holiness, long mined for anthologies and books, actually constitute a finite body of work. "We thought this gravy train would never end, but it looks like we were wrong. We only have eight thousand more of His Holiness's talks in the queue. What will we do when the well runs dry?" Gregg fretted.
In response to the impending crisis, publishers are aggressively pursuing projects by people who once met the Dalai Lama or shook his hand. A graphic novel of the monk's early life will be published next May; no word yet on whether His Holiness can be prevailed upon to write the foreword.
Darn It Anyway! List of Verboten Swear Words Grows Ever-Longer for Christian Fiction
By Jana Riess
Although the Christian publishing world has long been known for squeaky-clean language and the absence of profanity, the bar has just been raised even higher. RBL has obtained a document from a major CBA publishing house outlining even more draconian language restrictions. While the list will be the operative standard for any book the house publishes, it will likely hit hardest on the fiction side, where novelists have sometimes used words like "crap" and "poop" to substitute for what they'd really like to write.
In addition to the usual suspects, The Index of Forbidden Words includes sacred names or theological words if they are used lightly or out of context. This means not just God, but gosh and golly; not just Jesus and Christ but also crikey, criminy, gee, jeepers, and jeez; not just damn but also darn.
RBL also has learned that Beaver Cleaver's entire backlist has been sold off to another house because it failed to pass the bold new standards. "Oh gosh," said the Beave, "I sure never meant to offend anybody with all my rough talk. But golly gee, this hurts my feelings." Other Cleaver family members could not be reached for comment; June had a pot roast just about to come out of the oven.
Other words with a questionable provenance (snafu, dork) were also on the list, though no one interviewed for this story was actually aware of the words' unsavory pasts.
"This sucks," said an award-winning novelist for the CBA market. "But I'm not allowed to say that it 'sucks,' so please just quote me as remarking that it'll be 'a real literary challenge.'"
When asked for an opinion, Jesus Christ had no comment on the restrictions. However, RBL was able to reach a close second, the harried CEO of a top Christian publishing company. Asked if he thought the new guidelines would encourage greater creativity among Christian novelists or simply frustrate them, he ran his fingers through his hair and appeared visibly irritated. "I don't know!" snapped the executive. "Bite me!"
1. 90 Days with Leonard Floating in the Cold Vacuum of Space: A Memoir Inspired by Truthiness
2. The Da Vinci Code Knockoff Book Concordance: Your Exclusive Guide to More Than 1,000 Books That Are Riding Dan Brown's Coattails
3. Your Best Wife Now
4. The Five People You Meet in the Express Lane at the Grocery Store Even Though They Have More Than Ten Items in Their Cart: An Extended Reflection on Christian Patience
5. Memoirs of a Pasha
Guest editor: Jana Riess (pwrelrevs@earthlink.net)
Contributors: Jana Riess, Julianna Gustafson, Phil Smith, Ron Rienstra
Happy (Early) April Fools Day from Your Friends in the Religion Department at Publishers Weekly. Any similarity to actual news is purely coincidental. Well, except for that story on banned words in Christian fiction, which is mostly true.
