Love, Love, and Love

Bernhard ( Confessions of a Pretty Lady ) is a multi-talented performer who has had a special on HBO, acted in films ( King of Comedy and Without You I'm Nothing ), has a recurring role on the popular Roseanne sitcom, and has posed nude for Playboy . Unfortunately, her talents don't transport themselves to book form. This odd, haphazard collection of self-indulgent ``essays'' (some just half a page long) and poems tries to depict the frustration of relationships in the '90s--sexual, yet barren and unfulfilling. Before long, through repetition and banality, the pieces focus mainly on sex--not love--and become odes to fellatio, cunnilingus and innumerable scatological poses. Playing with the ambiguity of her own sexual preference, Bernhard introduces us to characters like Jackie and Alison, unhappy lesbians; we witness Bernhard's seduction of Casey, a blonde woman who is described as having a pierced navel; and are let in on Bernhard's sexual fantasies about actress Diane Keaton. The reader also gets to digest endless meals with the author and plot mindless seductions of women and men alike. And Bernhard's sentence constructions are of a piece with their content: ``I am now back in my room after using the Bidet as usual and then freshening up after. I love being able to wash my butt after a long hot night.'' (Aug.)