Losing Your Parents, Finding Your Self: The Defining Turning Point of Adult Life

While most writers on parental death focus on mourning, Secunda (When You and Your Mother Can't Be Friends) points out that this crucial event fosters major reassessment of one's attitude toward siblings, marriage, children and career. Having surveyed 94 people who have lost parents as adults, and interviewed several of them, as well as experts, she reports that each of the four possible familial pairings (father-son, etc.) has its own pattern, and that the loss of both parents has strong ripple effects. Notably, sibling relationships become primary, although affinities can fluctuate depending on birth order, age and previous closeness. Parental loss leaves many emotionally unmoored; in response, some feel a strong urge to marry, while others solidify or abort marriages, or confront their solitude. More than half of Secunda's respondents found that their relationship with their children changed, mostly for the better, while childless adults often paid new attention to nieces and nephews or became mentors. A significant minority reappraised their careers after their parents' death, leading to redirection, rejuvenation and, in some cases, confusion. More than half of the respondents reported intensified friendships, while some winnowed away those who didn't ""add meaning to their lives."" Ultimately, Secunda concludes, there is gain in loss. Those who made the most progress as ""adult orphans"" recognized that ""whatever they did or didn't get from their parents now was moot."" While hardly definitive, Secunda's survey is a stimulating look at a timely issue. 8-city author tour. (Mar.)