My Lover, Myself: Self Discovery Through Relationship

Based on more than 30 years of treating couples through psychotherapy, Kantor, who has taught at Harvard University Medical School, believes that the underlying cause of dysfunctional relationships lies in crucial events in our life experience. In his view, we internalize these events by repeating to ourselves stories or myths of our experience. Using copious examples from his practice, Kantor identifies three myths crucial to the attainment of happiness and successful relationships. Strongest and most deeply hidden in our personality is the Personal Myth, the childhood tale of parental betrayal or disappointment that, as a grown-up, we seek to assuage in our search for a soul mate or perfect love partner. The Gender Myth is the story of our adult self, as we would wish to be, incorporating heroic attributes of people we have met or admire. Kantor deconstructs this heroic persona into three types--the Survivor, the Protector and the Fixer--with positive or ""light"" and negative or ""shadow"" attributes. The third myth, Sexual Fantasy, is the adult's story of sensual yearnings and lustful fantasies. According to Kantor, if love and sexuality are to be sustained, the partners must know their own and their partner's myths and shadows. In two appendices he offers couples advice on finding their own paths to healing. It seems unlikely, however, that without the presence of a skilled therapist, couples will successfully navigate Kantor's complex framework. Agent: Jill Kneerim at the Palmer and Dodge Agency; 20-city radio satellite tour. (May)