Discomfortable: What Is Shame and How Can We Break Its Hold?

Bond, a filmmaker and “self-styled shame educator,” shares his understanding of shame in this discursive, underwhelming debut. He proposes that shame is “both a feeling and a set of beliefs,” as well as “an affect to which we apply certain cognitive interpretations.” As an evolutionary instinct that has mostly outlived its survival value, shame, Bond argues, cannot be eliminated. However, he contends, in understanding and accepting shame tendencies, one can challenge unhealthy beliefs and use shame consciously rather than reactively: “Feeling shame and not reacting to it, just exploring it and talking openly about it, is how we begin to regain control of our lives.” Bond shares formative experiences of his own, as a gay man unlearning internalized homophobia, and as an actor dealing with rejection in auditions. The focus is on the everyday struggles of inferiority and people-pleasing, rather than the role of shame in more entrenched psychological issues like trauma and addiction. While the initial insights are helpful and well-grounded, the book as a whole leaves much to be desired, with belabored explanations, frequent repetition, and lengthy tangents. For those looking for an introduction to the topic, the work of Brene Brown remains a better option. (Sept.)