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I'm On the Cover of a Romance Novel?June 26, 2008I found this article on the internet this week and felt horrible for this poor man who was obviously taken advantage of. Please read about his deplorable situation and ultimate decision on how to handle it.
At first I thought it must have been a coincidence. There must be thousands of men with huge, glistening pectorals and shoulder-length golden hair whose steadfast gaze betrays immeasurable fathoms of passion. But there can be no doubt it was me. The cover artist must have followed me during a recent visit to my ancestral estate on the tempest-swept promontories of Northern Scotland. Judging from the picture, the sketch was based on the occasion in which I chanced upon Arden, the crofter's nubile young daughter, kneeling upon a rocky outcropping and picking some wildflowers from the weathered stone. Even though I had only just finished tilling seven acres of firm earth, I knew at once my broad, thewy arms could take her. "You rogue! I shall not allow this offense against my honor!" she cried out, her titian hair uncoiling in the Caledonian wind. As I dipped her low, her pounding heart betrayed her pleas for her chastity, and my turgid manhood would be denied no longer. That bastard must have been hiding with a sketchbook in the bushes. You can understand my smoldering rage. I certainly don't recall agreeing to have my well-hewn physique splashed across every newsstand and bookrack in town. Admittedly, my schedule has been full lately—I purchased a new leather arm cuff, reclined on an empty beach in my tattered sheepskin boots and full riding gear, waxed and re-oiled my chest—however, posing for the cover painting of Dark Passions definitely was not on my list. But apparently, a rugged, flat-stomached man's privacy means little to author Stephanie Blackmoore when it comes to the pursuit of profit. I just hope no one I know sees it. The other blacksmiths would never let me live this down.
I never asked for this. The life I chose to lead is one of solitude, whether I'm building log cabins in the foggy Ozarks, or tending to my vineyards in the Tuscan countryside. But those blissful days of rugged independence seem to be over. Will I ever again be able to collapse wounded into the arms of a busty field nurse during my town's annual Civil War reenactment without becoming the poster boy for the next vulgar potboiler? Can't a brawny, brooding man ride his stallion slowly through the fresh-smelling air of a misty forest at dawn and think ruefully back to his tender childhood that seems to him now to exist in another world entirely—without having to constantly look over his perfectly sculpted shoulders? No, this is no way for a free and unfettered man with a small fortune inherited from a distant noble relative to live. Therefore, I have decided to weigh anchor and set sail with my crew of strapping young seamen aboard my sloop, The Moonlight Arrow, toward destinations exotic and unknown. Once at sea, as the suzerain's daughter I have shanghaied from our last port-of-call clings hungrily to my abdomen, her honeyed breath playing about my breast, I will gaze stoically at the horizon from the prow of my ship, where none of those frauds at Harlequin/Silhouette would ever care to find me.* Posted by Barbara Vey on June 26, 2008 | Comments (53)               
June 26, 2008
In response to: I'm On the Cover of a Romance Novel? Marjorie Liu commented: Ha!
June 26, 2008
In response to: I'm On the Cover of a Romance Novel? Lori Foster commented: Too funny!
June 26, 2008
In response to: I'm On the Cover of a Romance Novel? Amanda commented: That was hilarious! I love The Onion.
June 26, 2008
In response to: I'm On the Cover of a Romance Novel? Emily Howard commented: Barbara, this is absolutely hilarious! I loved the pictures you added, they definitely made the blog! :)
June 26, 2008
In response to: I'm On the Cover of a Romance Novel? Missy Taylor commented: That was a perfect start to my day!
June 26, 2008
In response to: I'm On the Cover of a Romance Novel? Jody Wallace commented: I thought that sounded pretty Oniony!
June 26, 2008
In response to: I'm On the Cover of a Romance Novel? Jennifer LaBrecque commented: Too funny!
June 26, 2008
In response to: I'm On the Cover of a Romance Novel? Helen Scott Taylor commented: This is hilarious. Have to say I love Allison chase's cover. Although he might want to button his shirt as it gets a bit nippy on those Cornish moors.
June 26, 2008
In response to: I'm On the Cover of a Romance Novel? Gina commented: "Once at sea, as the suzerain's daughter I have shanghaied from our last port-of-call clings hungrily to my abdomen, her honeyed breath playing about my breast, I will gaze stoically at the horizon from the prow of my ship, where none of those frauds at Harlequin/Silhouette would ever care to find me"
June 26, 2008
In response to: I'm On the Cover of a Romance Novel? Shari Anton commented: Love The Onion! Thanks for the morning chuckle, Barbara!
June 26, 2008
In response to: I'm On the Cover of a Romance Novel? Amelia commented: This was great!!
June 26, 2008
In response to: I'm On the Cover of a Romance Novel? Carolyn Jewel commented: Oh my gosh! That's fantastic! Thanks for the laughs.
June 26, 2008
In response to: I'm On the Cover of a Romance Novel? Sandy commented: I actually met a guy in an antique store ten years ago who said he was the dark-haired counterpart to Fabio on the cover of most romance novels. We had a great discussion but, alas he was married.He was very hunky though with the shoulder-length hair and abs that glistened as he helped us move a retro aqua brocade sofa for an art opening.
June 26, 2008
In response to: I'm On the Cover of a Romance Novel? TarotByArwen commented: I just got MANY looks from my co-workers and one wanted to know if I needed water as I sat at my desk choking on my laughter. hee! What a fabulous piece!
June 26, 2008
In response to: I'm On the Cover of a Romance Novel? Edie commented: Love it! I was even thinking of driving to the Ozarks to comfort the poor man, Alas, now I see he's sailing the seas (with his strapping seamen!) to destinations unknown. Think he'll ever get to Wisconsin?
June 26, 2008
In response to: I'm On the Cover of a Romance Novel? Edie commented: Love it! I was even thinking of driving to the Ozarks to comfort the poor man, Alas, now I see he's sailing the seas (with his strapping seamen!) to destinations unknown. Think he'll ever get to Wisconsin?
June 26, 2008
In response to: I'm On the Cover of a Romance Novel? JOANN ROSS commented: LOL and thanks for sharing.
June 26, 2008
In response to: I'm On the Cover of a Romance Novel? DIANE S. commented: Barb - leave it to you to give us all our morning chuckle. Love it ... love you.
June 26, 2008
In response to: I'm On the Cover of a Romance Novel? Gerri Russell commented: Thanks for the laugh this morning, Barbara!
June 26, 2008
In response to: I'm On the Cover of a Romance Novel? Clea Simon commented: Of course, at first I thought it was serious! Totally cracked me up. Thanks, Barbara!
June 26, 2008
In response to: I'm On the Cover of a Romance Novel? Cai commented: This is great! Thanks for sharing.
June 26, 2008
In response to: I'm On the Cover of a Romance Novel? Rowena Cherry commented: Definitely worth reading again! I particularly enjoyed our outraged hero's fulminations about the bastard hiding in the bushes with his sketchpad. A low-tech paparazzo, forsooth!
June 26, 2008
In response to: I'm On the Cover of a Romance Novel? Robin Snodgrass commented: I had so much fun reading this one! Thanks for sharing it!
June 26, 2008
In response to: I'm On the Cover of a Romance Novel? dolphinover commented: This is great.
June 26, 2008
In response to: I'm On the Cover of a Romance Novel? Liz Kreger commented: Way too funny, Barb. Loved it.
June 26, 2008
In response to: I'm On the Cover of a Romance Novel? Liz Kreger commented: Way too funny, Barb. Loved it.
June 26, 2008
In response to: I'm On the Cover of a Romance Novel? Danielle commented: Thanks for the good laugh...that was so funny!?!?!
June 26, 2008
In response to: I'm On the Cover of a Romance Novel? Danielle commented: Thanks for the good laugh...that was so funny!?!?!
June 26, 2008
In response to: I'm On the Cover of a Romance Novel? Ramona commented: OMG, I want to meet this guy!
June 26, 2008
In response to: I'm On the Cover of a Romance Novel? Allison Chase commented: Finally I learn something about that hunky man on my book cover -- I've been wondering about him. I want him to know that he has both my undying gratitude and my sincerest apologies!
June 26, 2008
In response to: I'm On the Cover of a Romance Novel? Rika commented: LOL... That was great, Barb! You had me going until it got to the 'turgid manhood' part. LOL LOL. Which reminds me... I've been meaning to ask this. I wonder if you'd be interested in doing a blog about the model Nathan Kemp any time soon? I would love to know if readers and authors are as tired of seeing only him on recent covers. He is yummy, no doubt. But I sure would love to see some other hotties on my favorite authors covers. They even used him on JQ's latest one and that was amazing as her covers don't normally have people on them. He looks like the next Fabio at the rate they're using him. :P
June 26, 2008
In response to: I'm On the Cover of a Romance Novel? Candy commented: After a rather long and frustrating day that was exactly what I needed too put a smile on my face!
June 26, 2008
In response to: I'm On the Cover of a Romance Novel? Candy commented: After a rather long and frustrating day that was exactly what I needed too put a smile on my face!
June 26, 2008
In response to: I'm On the Cover of a Romance Novel? Keena Kincaid commented: OMG! This is the funniest thing I've read all day. Thanks for the laughs.
June 26, 2008
In response to: I'm On the Cover of a Romance Novel? Ruth C. commented: Thanks for the laughs.!!!!!
June 26, 2008
In response to: I'm On the Cover of a Romance Novel? Scotdncr (Becky) commented: Absolutely hilarious!! Thanks!!
June 26, 2008
In response to: I'm On the Cover of a Romance Novel? Beth Reimer commented: Wow to have such problems. :)
June 26, 2008
In response to: I'm On the Cover of a Romance Novel? Anna Kayner commented: Love the blog...reminds me why I started to buy historical romances .. a long time ago...when I was young and looking at the pictures on the cover rather than the content.....
June 27, 2008
In response to: I'm On the Cover of a Romance Novel? Jacquie Rogers commented: LOL. Who could possibly stay away from this blog? You never know what you might miss!
June 27, 2008
In response to: I'm On the Cover of a Romance Novel? Patricia Sargeant commented: Hilarious! Thanks for sharing!
June 27, 2008
In response to: I'm On the Cover of a Romance Novel? Nancy J. Cohen commented: This is a riot! One of the covers depicted belongs to Allison Chase. Her book, Dark Obsession, is a moody, romantic tale sent in the spooky moors of Cornwall. Sensual and suspenseful, this paranormal historical romance is a great read.
June 27, 2008
In response to: I'm On the Cover of a Romance Novel? Karen Kelley commented: Now that was funny! LOL
June 27, 2008
In response to: I'm On the Cover of a Romance Novel? Karen Kelley commented: Now that was funny! LOL
June 27, 2008
In response to: I'm On the Cover of a Romance Novel? Samantha Kane commented: This was hilarious. It reminded me of a recent conversation about a cover. I asked my editor why a guy standing in an airplane would have a wet torso. Alas, I haven't heard his story yet. LOL Ah, the trials and tribulations of a cover model.
June 27, 2008
In response to: I'm On the Cover of a Romance Novel? ArkansasCyndi commented: I loved his shopping list... 3 dozens eggs and 12 pounds of mutton! Brawhahahaha
June 27, 2008
In response to: I'm On the Cover of a Romance Novel? Ashlyn Chase commented: You HAVE to check out book, Heaving Bosoms.
June 27, 2008
In response to: I'm On the Cover of a Romance Novel? Caren Crane commented: Barb, this was hysterical. Thank you for a lovely segue to the weekend. I will be sure to look for brawny lads with shopping carts full of eggs and mutton tomorrow...
June 27, 2008
In response to: I'm On the Cover of a Romance Novel? Nancy Haddock commented: Thankfully I didn't have a mouthful of coffee as I read this. I'd either have a lot of cleaning to do, or I'd have choked.
June 27, 2008
In response to: I'm On the Cover of a Romance Novel? Tina LaVon commented: That was just too funny.
June 28, 2008
In response to: I'm On the Cover of a Romance Novel? Emily Bryan commented: Oh, the trials of pretty people! Doesn't it make your heart just ache. No, wait, that's my side. Very giggle-worthy. Thanks, Barb!
June 28, 2008
In response to: I'm On the Cover of a Romance Novel? Liddy Midnight commented: Brilliant! I have always wondered where some of those covers originated. Now I know.
June 28, 2008
In response to: I'm On the Cover of a Romance Novel? mary s commented: Oh Barb! You always bring a smile to my face & brighten up my day whenever I read your blog!
February 15, 2009
In response to: I'm On the Cover of a Romance Novel? S commented: The poor man. Surely there is some kind of charity we can donate to in order to help relieve his plight?
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Last week at the supermarket, while shopping for my weekly supply of three dozen eggs and 12 pounds of mutton, I spotted a rack near the checkout lane containing several romance paperbacks. Normally, such trash wouldn't get a second glance from my coal-black eyes, but the sight of one book practically made my chiseled jaw drop. There, on the cover of Dark Passions was yours truly, Duncan Larksthrush, in the flesh.
Nor can I imagine what would possess someone to depict such a scene. I was certainly far from respectably kempt: Having just finished reaping oats with my scythe, my white, blousy tunic was dirty and tattered. It was practically torn from my shoulders, and the striated muscles of my bronzed torso were exposed for anyone to see. And my errant tresses had slipped out of their leathern knot and clove to my cheek with the dewy sweat of a full day's labor. Blazes! Had I known I would be fronting a bestseller, I would have taken a shower and put on my nice red shirt, and maybe a tie.
