As a comedian, actor, writer, and producer of short films, Canadian Brian Calvert is completely unqualified for most jobs—but especially politics—which makes him think that he is the perfect person to go head-to-head with America’s very own unqualified presidential candidates. As the self-appointed leader of the Canada Party, Calvert, along with “campaign chairman” Chris Cannon, have announced the party’s CANADAcy for president of the United States. Cannon, a Canuck and writer of numerous books and articles about rock ’n’ roll, is equally unqualified.
The initial launch of the party was made on YouTube, where all serious campaigns begin, and has attracted more than 880,000 hits. No need to worry—the Canada Party’s effort does not represent an invasion but rather an intervention. As Calvert said in his oratorical masterpiece on YouTube:
“Hello, America. It’s us, Canada. You know, the country you pretend to be when you’re traveling. Now, I know you think of us as just a fancy hat you wear when you’re trying to hide from a war you probably shouldn’t have started, but we’re more than that. We’re your friends. We’ve noticed you’re hurting, and we’re here to help.”
The Canada party has as its election weapon America, but Better: The Canada Party Manifesto; An Intervention from Your Continental BFF, which will be published this August by Douglas & McIntyre (based in Vancouver, distributed by PGW). In it are the party’s promises. Among them: oil pipelines will carry maple syrup, so if there’s a spill, at least the animals will be tasty, and the phrase “job creators” will be changed to “job creationists,” and they will be given seven days to actually create some. And most importantly, the constitution will be amended to address hockey issues. Once the U.S. is set aright, the Canada Party will turn to its own country, with its first order of business being full dental coverage for hockey players.
As all candidates know, never mind the Iowa caucuses, it’s BEA where winners are made. To that end, Brian Calvert will be in the D&M booth (4239) today at 10 a.m., handing out mini-manifestos (aka book samplers) and bumper stickers. Join Calvert, join the Canada Party—“We Canado it.”