Children’s author, librarian, and literacy advocate John Schu’s new novel in verse, Louder Than Hunger, tells the story of a 13-year-old boy living with an eating disorder. Here, Schu reflects on his own experiences with anorexia, his journey toward recovery, and his hopes for sending this autobiographical book out into the world.
Is there a date
you think about
ALL
the time?
Maybe it’s someone’s birthday.
Or an anniversary.
Or a turning point.
Perhaps it’s before-and-after moments.
Moments
that changed you
forever.
Maybe it’s a story
you never thought
you’d find yourself in.
I feel and see
many dates and moments of connection
r-u-n-n-i-n-g around
inside my head.
Specific dates
were on my mind and heart
as I wrote and revised
Louder Than Hunger.
November 24, 1995,
the day I was admitted
to Linden Oaks Hospital.
Admitted
for anorexia nervosa.
Admitted
because family and friends feared
I would starve myself to death.
Admitted
because the Voice
told me I was worthless.
It told me
to restrict food,
to resist treatment,
to realize I was unworthy of taking up space.
That I was unworthy of living.
U
N
W
O
R
T
H
Y
OF
EVERYTHING!
December 18, 1995,
the day the Voice
was pretty peeved
my psychiatrist prescribed medicine
to help manage
obsessive compulsive disorder,
anxiety,
and depression.
Medicine that made me
soooooooooooooooooo sleepy.
Medicine that eventually helped me talk back to the Voice.
January 4, 1996,
the day my group counselor played
Alanis Morissette’s
Jagged Little Pill album.
Alanis’s voice
reached out
across the room.
She sang
“Perfect”
directly to me.
She sang
“Mary Jane”
about me.
(All these years later,
I still cry whenever I think about that moment.
The moment when I heard Alanis Morissette’s voice for the first time.
I felt seen.
I felt less alone.
Thank you, Alanis!
Thank you for the poetry!
Thank you for sharing your heart through music!)
January 16, 1996,
the day a talk show TV crew
set up
lights,
monitors,
cameras.
I remember how
the butterflies felt
as they bounced
around
inside
my stomach.
My psychiatrist said,
I’ll be near you the entire time.
A very tall man
put an earpiece in my right ear,
as a microphone was
attached to my shirt.
The camera crew
asked me
to walk
U
P
&
D
O
W
N
a
L O N G
hallway.
With cameras
pointing at me,
they said,
We’re going to film some B-roll.
Look to the right.
Look to the left.
I felt strange.
They led me to a small room.
The person standing next to the large camera said something like,
Have you ever spoken to millions of people before?
I sat down.
I heard Oprah Winfrey in my right ear.
Yes, Oprah,
the Queen of All Media.
She said,
We’re joined via satellite by John, a 13-year-old boy who suffers from anorexia nervosa.
I
blinked
and
blinked
over
and
over
again
because my psychiatrist prescribed
an extra dose of clonazepam.
I kept thinking,
You cannot fall asleep on national television.
Please don’t fall asleep while talking to Oprah Winfrey.
Stay awake!!!
I only remember
what Oprah and I talked about
because I recently watched the episode.
We discussed how it
felt like there was always
an angel and a devil
sitting
on my
shoulders.
The devil told me
not to eat,
to restrict.
The angel said,
Eat. Please eat.
The devil
usually
won.
I told Oprah I wasn’t strong enough to get better.
That I didn’t want to get better.
Getting better meant talking back to the Voice.
Something I didn’t think I could ever do.
January 16, 1996,
the day I disappointed
Oprah Winfrey.
The day I’m sure I disappointed millions of people.
The day I wanted to disappear forever.
January 17, 1996, to around August 28, 1997,
I struggled
and
struggled
and
struggled
until I started to do the work.
The work to turn the
V in Voice
from a BIG V—Voice—
to a little v—voice—.
1999 to 2010,
the years during which
I earned three degrees in education.
The years during which
stories and libraries and musicals
helped me find my place
in this complicated world.
April 6, 2017,
the day I discussed
my love of libraries and story
on CBS This Morning.
The day Gayle King,
Oprah’s best friend, said,
“Bravo! A+, Mr. Schu!”
The day I said to myself,
Maybe one day
I’ll write a story about the pain of my past.
Maybe my story could help others.
Maybe one day
Oprah will give me an A+, too.
Maybe I won’t disappoint her this time.
March 19, 2024,
the day Louder Than Hunger
will be sent out into the world.
A book birthday I’ll celebrate
at Anderson’s Bookshop
with family and friends and a brilliant community
of readers and writers and educators
who make the world
brighter and better.
Insert the day YOU read
Louder Than Hunger.
A day I hope inspires you
to help Jake’s story
reach readers who need it.
A story that might
make someone feel less alone.
A story that might
help heal someone’s heart.
A story that might
have helped 13-year-old you.
Louder Than Hunger by John Schu. Candlewick, $18.99 Mar. 19 ISBN 978-1-5362-2909-7
