Been staring at a blank laptop screen for hours? Wastebasket overflowing with crumpled balls of paper? Can’t even write a grocery list? If so, read on for exciting news.
In 1925, a tinkerer named Hugo Gernsback invented an amazing antidote for writer’s block—the Isolator Helmet. This device eliminated all outside distractions by isolating the author inside a peaceful cocoon of silence. Eyeholes revealed only the blank writing pad. Pure oxygen flowed from a tank to sharply focus the mind. That same year, undocumented reports surfaced of two washed-up authors who gained unauthorized access to helmets and immediately wrote bestsellers.
Then something odd happened. In early 1926, the Isolator Helmet disappeared. Eleven original helmets had been built, yet all units vanished. When technical drawings mysteriously went missing at the U.S. Patent Office, rumors began to swirl that a Literary Deep State was involved.
Fortunately, we can now announce that Gernsback’s helmet has been resurrected!
Earlier this year, while browsing through a musty 1925 science magazine, I spotted an article—along with detailed photos—that described the Isolator Helmet.
“Amazing!” I thought. “The perfect remedy for stuck writers.” So I retained a Silicon Valley teenager to reverse engineer design specs from the old photos. After trademarking several key marketing features, I applied for a new patent. And manufacturing of the 2018 Isolator Helmet launched in a deserted truck-tire factory in Belarus.
Operating instructions follow:
1. Pull the MuffleZone™ helmet snugly over head and shoulders.
2. Tighten neck drawstring to engage the SoundSeelz™ gasket.
3. Check that the CleerEyze™ lenses are free of smudges.
4. Open the OxyStim™ tank valve for a rush of brain-clearing O2.
5. Reach for that dreaded blank pad of paper.
6. Be gobsmacked as your words flow like melted butter.
The new helmet remains faithful to the 1925 design (see photo above). For example, the 2018 Isolator Helmet still includes the unique CiggieBox™ attached to mouth area. Simply insert a Chesterfield, Cuban cigar, or joint into the hole and puff away comfortably while writing. But be forewarned: although it resembles a diver’s helmet, this device is not recommended for underwater use—particularly for depths exceeding 20 feet. You may have seen recent online posts suggesting an unnamed Silicon Valley ninth grader used a beta model to descend 50 feet into San Francisco Bay, but that surely is fake news. Although company policy forbids commenting on rumors, we can state unequivocally this could not have been done while smoking.
But now, dear friend, let’s cut to the chase.
Naturally, we anticipate crushing demand from the writing community. However, at $34,999.98 per helmet (oxygen tank not included), this might seem a bit pricey. Perhaps yes—but please consider the seven-figure advance you’ll surely receive for your next book. And get this! We’re now offering an exclusive 2-for-1 deal—two helmets for just $34,999.98. A backup unit will be handy in the event of sound leakage due to manufacturing flaws or an oxygen fire spontaneously igniting within the helmet.
To order, go to Guccifer2.0.com and click link for “Amazing Isolator Helmet.” Purchase by Bitcoin preferred. Credit card payment must include account number, security code, and Facebook and LinkedIn passwords.
Act now—and banish writer’s block forever!
A generous credit on your next book’s acknowledgment page would be appreciated.
John Emmerling is an author/illustrator. His most recent book is WoofiLeaks: Your Dog’s Secrets Revealed.